How To Get Out Of The Drama Triangle—The Toxic Dynamic Fueling Worker Burnout

Before you can recognize yourself playing a starring role in this power dynamic, you must first be aware that it even exists and how it might be showing up in your life.

1. The Persecutor

The Persecutor is the aggressor, the person who has done wrong or who appears to wield power unfairly over others. In a movie, this role is the evil adversary (e.g., Darth Vader in Star Wars). The wrongdoer might behave like a dictator, acting superior and attempting to control, shame, and blame others, with an attitude of “you’re the problem, not me.”

2. The Victim

The Victim is the person who feels wronged and acts helpless or feels powerless to change their circumstances (when in reality that may not be the case). In Star Wars, this role is the good-hearted protagonist who struggles to get a break (e.g., Princess Leia). In the comic strip Peanuts, it’s Charlie Brown, whose poor-me attitude prevails in his language (verbal and nonverbal) and behavior, which might look like complaining or exasperation and feeling overwhelmed or helpless. In spite of their unhappiness, frustration, and resentment, they may be so accustomed to and comfortable in their role as a Victim that if a solution is offered, they actually resist change.

3. The Rescuer

The Rescuer is the savior, the magical helper who shows up to save the day (e.g., Luke Skywalker/Han Solo) by comforting and consoling the Victim, affirming how egregiously the Victim has been wronged. They validate black-and-white thinking, such as the perpetrator is bad and the Victim is good. When the Rescuer is really on a roll, they might share additional stories of the Persecutor’s outrageous behavior that they have heard or experienced—further solidifying the Victim’s righteous stance in victimhood. The Rescuer often feels a sense of duty to fix the Victim’s broken situation—as if, without the Rescuer, catastrophe looms for the Victim.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, each person participating in the Drama Triangle has a self-interested payoff. The Persecutor gets the temporary satisfaction of exerting a short-term act of power over the Victim—so as to put them in their place. The Victim gets to stay stuck and can make themselves good and the Persecutor bad. Victims don’t actually want to confront the Persecutor, so they seek out an ally in the Rescuer to reinforce existing beliefs about how they are in a futile and unchangeable position. Don’t you know? If two people believe something (instead of one), it must be true!

Initially, the Rescuer may seem well-intentioned. On a conscious level, they feel as though they are in service to the Victim. They would tell you that their payoff is in being a good friend or being there for someone who needed them. What they are often unaware of is the underlying payoff: they get to feel needed and important. By jumping into the fray, the Rescuer sends a subtle message that they don’t trust the Victim to handle the situation. Codependence is often a factor here, with the Rescuer ensuring that the Victim will stay dependent on them. On a deeper level, the Rescuer also experiences the side effect of being so consumed by helping another person that there’s no time to focus on the areas of their own life that need attention. Subconsciously, the Rescuer may be avoiding their own problems and disguising that avoidance as concern for the Victim’s needs.

There’s an unexpected and indirect payoff between the Rescuer and the Persecutor, too. While they may not even know each other, they have a relationship. What the Rescuer receives from the Persecutor is a job that makes him feel important.

The end result harms everyone. The Persecutor has lost connection and respect, and their colleagues are gossiping about them. The Victim is wasting energy in an infinite loop of being stuck. And the Rescuer isn’t growing and advancing in their own life but remains sidetracked in someone else’s perpetual drama.

The question becomes how to recognize when the price of an experience exceeds the payoff—the moment when you’re frustrated enough or have reached a tipping point to do whatever you need to transform a dysfunctional dynamic. Maybe you speak up, call a meeting, have honest conversations, or in more extreme situations, choose to leave a toxic environment.

Stepping out of the Drama Triangle

Here’s the good news: the Drama Triangle is a house of cards. All it takes to collapse the entire dynamic is one person reaching a choice point and stepping out of this unhealthy pattern. Each role has a unique way to step out of the triangle.

The Persecutor

The Persecutor could acknowledge what happened, be compassionate, get curious about the other person’s perspective, and be open to feedback to rebuild trust within the relationship.

Step 1: Shift from reacting to responding by hitting your pause button (take a deep breath, go for a walk, take a break).

Step 2: Ask yourself, What was my part in this? How did I contribute to the outcome?

Step 3: Imagine that you were on the receiving end of your behavior. What could have made the other person more receptive to your point of view?

Step 4: Reach out to ask for a good time to have a direct conversation.

Step 5: Be honest and compassionate, and take ownership of your part. Get curious, not furious about the other person’s experience and how you might collaborate better next time (because there will likely be a next time!)

The Victim

The Victim could take ownership by speaking directly to the Persecutor (asking for leadership or additional support, if necessary).

Step 1: Pause to get curious about what old relationship patterns might be in play. Ask yourself: What’s familiar about this experience? When have I felt this way before? Do I try to reinforce being “right” by instinctually seeking out allies?

Step 2: Resist the urge to speak to other people about the situation. Instead, turn to the person involved and ask for a good time to talk. If you do need to vent or get clarity, choose to speak with someone you trust who can listen without judging the offending party.

Step 3: Share what you heard, observed, or experienced, and ask for feedback on how the other person might have perceived what happened. Then ask for what you would like to be different moving forward. Last, get a clear agreement on what could work for both parties.

The Rescuer

The Rescuer could empathize with the Victim's role and encourage them to have a conversation directly with the Persecutor.

Step 1: To honor your relationship and connect with the other person, listen closely for the emotions and values behind the Victim’s words.

Step 2: Gently offer an option for a new and practical path to the Victim by encouraging them to bring their concern directly to the Persecutor.

Step 3: If the Victim resists this suggestion, be aware that they may not be ready to step out of the Drama Triangle. It’s OK. You still have the choice to change your part in the dynamic. Don’t be surprised if the person in the Victim role is unhappy with you or immediately seeks out another Rescuer. This means that you may feel the discomfort of not being liked or not being wanted while this transition is happening. The good news is that by choosing not to play the Rescuer role, you like yourself more and you’ve plugged a major drain in your social energy.

If you have often found yourself in the role of the Rescuer, be patient. You may experience some uncomfortable moments as the dynamics between you and the person in the Victim role begin to shift. You’ve taught other people that this is how you’ll show up for them, so it’s normal for them to feel annoyed or challenged when adjusting to your new way of being. Stay focused on being empathetic to what they are struggling with, how you can create healthier bonds, and elevate your relational energy by redirecting them to how they can solve the issue.

Next time you’re faced with juicy gossip or a super-sized gripe, pay attention and identify the role you’re playing. If you’re in a power dynamic that’s draining your energy, know that awareness is the first step to transformation.

The benefit of understanding how to step out of the Drama Triangle is that you have an opportunity to change your social dynamics for the better. If you’re the Persecutor, taking personal responsibility and getting curious will result in greater rapport, mutual respect, and synergistic teamwork with those you love and lead. If you’re a Victim, stepping out of this dynamic can break a debilitating cycle that may have been going on for years. This becomes an opportunity to develop confidence in your ability to create new outcomes. And if you’re a Rescuer, you have the chance to dedicate your precious energy to bettering your own life. The more you take responsibility for stepping out of the Drama Triangle and other dysfunctional dynamics, the less stress, trust, and synergistic collaboration you will experience.