Fortune Well February 20, 2024
Lifestyle
Marriage counselor Gary Chapman identified the five love languages after spending time with frustrated couples. His clients would often stress how they didn’t believe their spouse loved them, which shocked their partners to hear. In reality, Chapman says his clients were showing each other their love and appreciation in the way that made sense for them, but didn’t resonate with their partner.
After repeatedly seeing this and taking note of the most common ways his clients would show or hope to receive love, he coined the five love languages—acts of service, physical touch, receiving gifts, words of affirmation, and quality time—and wrote a best-selling book from the notes he took during his counseling sessions.
“One of our deepest emotional needs as humans is the need to feel significant love from the people in our lives,” Chapman tells Fortune.
“But if we don’t get a specific amount of love in our language, it won’t feel like love.”
This feeling can change though. In romantic relationships, Chapman says it might start by regularly asking your partner, “On a scale of zero to 10, how full is your love tank?” If they say anything less than 10, follow the question up by asking them what the most important thing is that you can do to help them feel loved.
This can be said for romantic relationships, but also relationships between coworkers, friends, and other loved ones, like parents and children.
“In any close relationship, it’s important to know what really communicates that you care,” he says.
Before being a counselor, Chapman studied cultural anthropology. Much like spoken languages have different dialects, he says the five love languages do as well.
The best way to communicate to your partner that you love them is typically a combination of more than one of the love languages. Here are the five and different ways they can be presented to show your loved ones you care.
Anything that involves taking action or helping to take a load off can be considered an act of service. Think of showing them you love them versus just telling them. Examples of acts of service:
Physical touch is a bit more obvious of a love language, but does not always have to be intimate. Other examples of showing love or appreciation with physical touch:
People who rank receiving gifts as their top love language aren’t superficial or materialistic; these people just enjoy being thought of when you’re apart. These gifts do not have to be big or spendy, it’s the thought that counts. Try things like:
If your loved one enjoys words of affirmation, they need to be assured—and yes, even reassured—how much you love them. Hearing a simple “I love you” can make the difference between a good day or a bad one. Though you may feel like your actions convey what you’re feeling, sometimes just saying exactly how you feel is what they need. Other ways to say how you’re feeling:
Sometimes, people prefer old-fashioned quality time spent with their loved one. If you live together, this may seem easy to accomplish, but don’t forget that quality time often means uninterrupted time with little-to-no distractions. Here are ways to spend quality time together, maybe even without a cell phone:
Check in with the individual regularly to see what they need, as our love languages can change. It’s important to remember that everyone typically enjoys most love languages in some form, but there is often one that we prefer.
“Learning [your loved one’s] primary love language is going to help you be far more effective in communicating, and be far less frustrating in the long run,” says Chapman.
As mentioned above, we usually resonate with a combination of the five love languages versus just one, but these love languages can look different for everyone. This can be especially true for neurodivergent people, for example. The point of love languages, no matter how they are defined, is to learn more about yourself and your relationships.
By understanding what your loved one needs, and how they need it expressed, there is less room for miscommunication and more room for great moments together.
Stay up to date on the latest real estate trends.
Lifestyle
June 13, 2025
Whether you’re preparing for your latest solo adventure abroad, planning a getaway with that special someone, or looking to splurge on an international vacation for th… Read more
June 12, 2025
After three weeks of declining activity, a new boost of mortgage applications occurred during the week ending Jun 6, according to data from the Mortgage Bankers Associ… Read more
Buyer
June 12, 2025
If you’re a first-time homebuyer, you might feel like the odds are stacked against you in today’s market.
Buyer
June 11, 2025
If you’re thinking about taking your home décor to the next level, modernizing your window treatments may be the perfect place to start.
Buyer
June 10, 2025
California is rolling out the CalAssist Mortgage Fund on June 12, which will allocate grants up to homeowners whose homes were destroyed or left uninhabitable in recen… Read more
Lifestyle
June 10, 2025
Summer is the season of sun, fun and outdoor entertaining, and there’s no better way to welcome friends and family than with a beautifully set table.
We Guide Homeowners through the complicated process of selling their home using our 4 Phase Selling Process and 3 Prong Marketing Strategy that alleviates their stress and moves them effortlessly to their next destination. Schedule a 15 Minute Complimentary Strategy Session Today