Fortune Well January 28, 2024
Lifestyle
At one point or another, we’ve all laughed at a joke we don’t understand or offered to go halfsies at a restaurant when we wanted the full burger. In short, we’ve people-pleased a bit too far in order to fit in.
Michael Gervais, a performance psychologist who has worked with the Seattle Seahawks, the Red Bull Stratos, Team USA, and Microsoft’s Satya Nadella, says everyone has feared other people’s opinions—or had FOPO.
“Even a hint of potential rejection a couple hundred thousand years ago was a near death sentence,” Gervais, who also serves as the cocreator of the Performance Science Institute at USC and recent author of The First Rule of Mastery, tells Fortune. Our brains are primed to locate danger, such as not fitting in with the crowd, becoming outsiders, and falling behind. However, Gervais says the threat felt in social situations won’t likely kill us, but there is a hefty price to pay when having significant bouts of FOPO.
FOPO has three main stages: anticipation, checking, and responding.
“The bulk of the FOPO is this anticipation, this early kind of worry that starts in your closet before going to a holiday party,” Gervais says. We anticipate someone’s negative response or reaction, constantly check for approval and validation in the moment, and respond in ways that instill social acceptance. We may agree to another drink when we don’t want one or stay later at work twiddling our thumbs even after wrapping up.
While it’s important to value other people’s opinions and build strong social networks, the overwhelming fear of fitting in and feeling judged can cause people to act out of anxiety and not intention. We risk missing out on what may serve us.
“We’re checking in to see if they’re accepting us, as opposed to just tuning in to the conversation,” Gervais says. “FOPO is running underneath the surface like an application that quietly runs in the background of a computer. It’s exhausting.”
In simple terms, excessive FOPO can harm the brain and body. When we begin to fear someone’s opinion, it sends a danger signal to the brain, stimulating the nervous system and causing a stress response. This stress can show up as social anxiety and present in physical ways such as a rapid heart rate. Long-term, constant FOPO can lead to chronic stress, which puts people at risk for chronic conditions.
Of course, stress and FOPO before a job interview or date are expected because healthy bouts of either can alert us that we care. It’s also important to lean on friends and family for support and their opinions when needed. However, when the fear of those opinions runs the show, it can harm us.
The self-health books are right: No matter how hard we try, we cannot control other people’s behavior or opinions. So, it’s time to turn down the volume on the FOPO computer system and feel more at ease.
In short, if you’re worried too much about other people’s secondary needs over your primary needs, your well-being can diminish. For many people who feel FOPO more, particularly underrepresented groups who have historically not held positions of power, there can be a fear of regression or letting people down. Gervais hopes we can normalize purpose and innovation while respecting others’ opinions and actions.
“When you’re living life on other people’s terms, you never get to fully live your own,” he says.
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